I am a self proclaimed worrier. Especially when it comes to what other people think of me.
I volunteered to be Amber's client for her counseling class this semester. (We have to do a few 1hr recorded counseling sessions for her to write about and present in class.) And as usual, after the session I am so ready to really spill the beans and explain how I am feeling about how the session went. In our last session, I realized that I am still harboring guilt about some of the fun I had in college. Now, I wasn't some raging-sex driven-alcohol drinking- bad grade having- "typical" college girl, BUT I did have some fun. AND I regret it. I always feel that if word were to "get out" about some of the things I have done that it would hurt me and taint the way others view me. Now, I don't really know anyone who would facilitate the spilling of this information, BUT I still worry, and I feel guilty.
I am also self conscious in meetings at work when I state my opinion. I always wonder if people are watching and judging me. I deplore walking into meeting late so that everyone can watch you scramble to find a seat in the room and I only like giving presentations when I have adequate time to prepare.
When I am at the gym, I cannot stop comparing myself to other people while I am trying to get my own workout in for the day.Am I giggling too much? Is that guy checking me out? Am I mixing up the motions? Did I lift my left arm instead of my right? AND please explain why I cannot catch the rhythm to this song in Zumba!?
The even crazier part is that I normally do just fine. There are very few moments in my life where I have made a catastrophic mistake in front of someone and it was a major embarrassment. I guess my fear of that experience makes me super cautious and over prepared. I know that not matter how much I procrastinate; I always get the work done. I know that if I keep up my good work that I will eventually get promoted, and if I don't, I'll apply somewhere else and be okay.
For some reason though, no matter how much affirmation I receive, I still worry what other people think. I have really been working hard at this as well. I find myself "sticking" to things that I sometimes don't even like just so no one else will see me as a quitter (*** like MFP). I love the MFP community, but sometimes I am just not into it. And I am learning that it is okay. And I need to allow myself to feel that way and do what I want. And what feels right.
*** This post was inspired by Roni over at Roni's Weigh. Go you for keeping your head held high and not flipping him the bird! I would have been in the process of finding a new running route to make sure I avoided that man the next day. ***