If you are interested in seeing what a pre-marital counseling outline looks like, check out this post.
Anywho, our sessions have begun to stray from the actual outline and we are focusing more on things that Mr. Man and I feel that we need to work on like *cough*cough* our communication. Although we have been blissfully living together for over a year now, we realize that we are not as well-adjusted as we thought we were these past few months. I can only imagine how couples must feel adjusting with the pressure of being a newlywed and literally combining two different lifestyles under one roof! It is stressful... and just when you think you have your partner down pact. BOOM! Something new pops up that you have to learn to cope with...wait for it... together.
In our case, I would say the together part is the hardest when conflicts arise because we are both so independant. I have basically lived on my own since I left for college in 2005 because I never stayed at home for more than 1 week since then... and Mr. Man is just all types of amazingly independent emotionally. SOOO, this had brought upon some challenges when a conflict arises. We always come back together to work it out, but sometimes it takes longer. This is where my 3 hour-I'm-basically-trying-to-kill-myself-workouts come in (I won't leave the gym until I burn 1,200 - 1,500 calories). I work out until I am too exhausted to really argue anymore. Great tactic, right?
So we have talked about communication styles, how to compromise and address a problem when it arise, sexual differences and adjustment, in-laws... and then we have broken down some issues that we are each concerned about. Honestly, the experience is amazing and we still have quite a few sessions to go as well! I highly recommend pre-martial counseling to ALL engaged couples, no matter how compatible you are together. There will be a time when the relationship is not perfect anymore (basically leaving the honeymoon stage and entering the comfortable/normal/everyday/real life stage).
If you are on the market for a counselor to conduct these sessions, I highly recommend seeing a counselor with a degree in mental health counseling, social work, or a doctorate in clinical psychology because you want a person who will cover everything! Not to down play the importance of a meeting with your pastor/priest/or another religious official, but you need to make sure that the person conducting the sessions will cover everything that realistically happens in counseling. Our counselor happens to be our pastor who has a doctorate in clinical psychology. He has practiced inside the church, outside of the church, in hospital settings, and in court mandated situations... so he covers it all. Embarrassing at times, since nobody really dreams about talking about the frequency and type of sex you expect in marriage in the church office, but it helps. The nerves will pass if you are truly invested in making sure you have a long lasting, faithful, and happy marriage.
So we have talked about communication styles, how to compromise and address a problem when it arise, sexual differences and adjustment, in-laws... and then we have broken down some issues that we are each concerned about. Honestly, the experience is amazing and we still have quite a few sessions to go as well! I highly recommend pre-martial counseling to ALL engaged couples, no matter how compatible you are together. There will be a time when the relationship is not perfect anymore (basically leaving the honeymoon stage and entering the comfortable/normal/everyday/real life stage).
If you are on the market for a counselor to conduct these sessions, I highly recommend seeing a counselor with a degree in mental health counseling, social work, or a doctorate in clinical psychology because you want a person who will cover everything! Not to down play the importance of a meeting with your pastor/priest/or another religious official, but you need to make sure that the person conducting the sessions will cover everything that realistically happens in counseling. Our counselor happens to be our pastor who has a doctorate in clinical psychology. He has practiced inside the church, outside of the church, in hospital settings, and in court mandated situations... so he covers it all. Embarrassing at times, since nobody really dreams about talking about the frequency and type of sex you expect in marriage in the church office, but it helps. The nerves will pass if you are truly invested in making sure you have a long lasting, faithful, and happy marriage.
Any engaged/married couples reading who decided to go to a pre-marital counselor before?
I certainly went to pre-marital. I liked it, but I didn't love it. I think talking about sex and so forth is awesome, mine was a very by the rules discussion that was very shallow. I would recommend it for all couples, even though me and hubs were together for 9 years prior, it was good for us to go through the exercise.
ReplyDeleteNellie, I'm happy to hear your experience was a good one. I definitely recommend counseling to all of my friends looking to get married as well. I was afraid of having "shallow" sessions, so I did some additional research to ensure our counselor had a secular background. :)
DeleteWow that is amazing. I wish I had done this prior to getting married. My husband and I were married 1 year when he decided to have an affair. We didn't really understand where we had came from and what we had been through prior to being married. I think that is a very important part of establishing a strong foundation. I wish you lots of luck in your sessions. I know you will have a great marriage since you have already discussed many of your issues prior to your union. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how it was trying to get over a mishap like that. But I bet you both are stronger for it. ***crossing my fingers*** that the sessions will help my marriage.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteIt actually destroyed our marriage. We have been separated for about 11 years and are going through a divorce now. It made me stronger as a person but he kept running the streets so I had to step back.
DeleteI had to learn how to value myself and realize that I deserve better. That is where all my weight problems came from. I gained emotional weight trying to survive such a devastating situation while still raising a baby on my own.
It was tough but I am a better mother, woman and one day wife....for it. :)
I am a new reader of this blog but I say this to all of my friends as well. My husband and I did premarital counseling and it has been the best investment for our marriage. Like you said, there will come a time where I personally don't think sunshine comes out his butt and its going to take some core excercises that we learned to get over the tough parts and not just relationship stuff but as woman: accepting that when that last name changes it really plays on your sense of identity and thats ok - if you prepared for it. We lived together for two years before getting married and I agree, marriage would be a whole other beast if I was just getting used to how he wants things vs how I want things in the house and even now we still don't agree over something so small like where pots and pans should go and which direction toilet paper should roll. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with you 100%. I seriously cannot even imagine getting married without living together beforehand. I feel like I learn something new about him every week... and those days when the sun is not shining out of his butt like they were the first few months... are the hardest.
DeleteMarital Counseling and education is not only necessary, but beneficial as research reveals that it will help prepare you for marriage and the long term health of your marriage. Did you know that the divorce rate of first marriages is 50%? But you can help undo that risk by attending a marital counseling course or session with those trained to conduct marital counseling.
ReplyDeletecounseling Massachusetts